What's behind a DIVORCE

Por Kathy Higgins

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE. Because your fairy-tale dream became your worst nightmare and you no longer know how to wake up from it, do not despair, there are always solutions for everything. It only depends on you. You are the one who has the power to change your situation. If you are going through a very difficult situation in your marriage, and you hesitate whether or not to divorce, or there is inevitably no other solution than divorce, or you find yourself confused by the quarantine that's making you feel that you can no longer bear your relationship, or the decision to divorce has been made, or you are already going through a divorce process and this situation is very difficult or painful for you, or you simply just want to end it quickly, or you want to say goodbye to your marriage in the best way possible, then this book is for you.

• Idioma: Español
• Editorial: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Fecha de lanzamiento: 13 dic 2021
• ISBN: 9781662490118

Vista previa del libro

Decision

When you as a couple decide to divorce, or only one of you decides to divorce, whether you separated first or decided without prior separation from the marital home, whatever the circumstances of how both or just you made a decision to divorce, whether it was mutual (by both parties) or that they asked you or that you asked for it, it is very important that when making this decision, you are extremely sure of the step you are taking, since this will have repercussions on your life and that of your family. I refer specifically to your children, and if you don’t have any, then this decision will either harm or benefit you, depending on the very personal circumstances that you are going through. Whichever way it will affect you positively or negatively, it depends on the personal reasons of each one, but it will be a change that will give your life a 180-degree turn.

In case you were confused because you are or have been in quarantine due to health issues and both of you as a couple were forced to stay together at home and you are thinking about a separation or even a divorce, I will say that first, you must calm down! Since the most likely thing is that you’re just confused, because of the confinement you are going through or went through together and you feel that you no longer tolerate your partner. But that doesn’t mean that no matter how desperate you feel, that is what you truly want because when the confinement together ends and you both go back to your normal routines of life, you will realize that it was only desperation for the moment due to those special circumstances, and it’s normal for you to feel that way. You are not the only one. Have you heard that in some Asian countries after a quarantine, a large percentage of married couples file for divorce? And it’s because it’s not easy to be together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and for more than a month!

Look, I’ll explain it to you it’s like how children love vanilla or strawberry ice cream, but if you only feed them ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner seven days a week. Obviously, they will be happy for the first few days, but after a week, they’ll be saying I don’t want anymore, but that doesn’t mean that they no longer like ice cream, they simply just got tired of eating it every day and all the time, obviously they still like it (even though they’re tired of it), but since it’s normal they want it just for dessert! Do you understand?

So, it is the same with a couple in a relationship. They must have their own times alone when living together, their absences from one another when they go to work, or any other activity that separates them at times from the conjugal home and not be together all the time or be stuck at home and not to mention with financial problems, experiencing great stress due to the same situation they are going through. So, if it is because of the quarantine, you must take a deep breath, be tolerant and very patient as your life returns to normal. Try to do different things at home, that is, not being together in one room. You can be cooking, and she can be reading in another room. Take turns cooking and distract each other with a good game of chess or other games. There is so much to distract yourself with at home, try to see only the bright side, you are not locked up but instead protected in your home. Remember that a positive attitude is everything.

But definitely, if this is your case, you must wait to make a decision of that magnitude until your lives return to normal and then wait a few months for that normality. If after these months you’re still thinking about a separation or divorce, then it will be a more certain and secure decision for you without making a mistake.

So, it is necessary that when you make this decision, you do it with your head and with your heart, not just with one of them, because if you only make the decision with your head, you may be confusing yourself. Remember, that as long as there is still love in a marriage, everything can be fixed and if you only make this decision with your heart, you may be confusing yourself as well, because you may be living some circumstances, full of violence…

Make your decision with your head

and your heart.

Using both reasonings, you will obtain

the correct decision and will have less

possibility of regret.

Physical or moral circumstances or something unfair to you and your heart can confuse you because if you are living those types of circumstances and you tolerate them you may possibly have low self-esteem; as much as you may love, I think it’s better to get out of a relationship that’s far from making you happy, which is hurting you instead. That’s why it’s necessary that when you decide to divorce, you do it using your head and heart and that will result in a fair decision for yourself and full of certainty. On the contrary, if you don’t use both of these aspects or only use one of them, that will lead you to perhaps make a wrong decision that you could regret later. Just remember that you have the option to reason and analyze your decision well again and again.

It may be on behalf of both of you or just you, but if it’s your partner who is asking for a divorce and is the initiator of the decision, you can no longer do anything about it. Just accept it with dignity, and if you need it, you can just ask for an explanation. If you aren’t clear about their motives, and if you have doubts about whether that’s what your partner really wants, then at most, you can ask your partner these three questions: Are you sure of your decision? Is that what you really want? And the most important. Do you still love me?

Only those three questions. If of those three the first two are affirmative and the last one is negative, then there’s nothing to do. But understand that very well, no matter how much it hurts and how much you still love him or her, don’t do anything. As I explain to you in the chapter on self-esteem, don’t beg, now you have to just accept that decision with dignity because if there is no longer love from your partner, there is nothing more to do. Remember that neither shoe fits by forcing it in.

If of those three questions the first two are affirmative and the third as well, meaning that he or she still loves you, there you can still do something about it, because maybe their anger for some reason led him or her into making that decision. In this case there is a lot you can do because possibly your partner is acting as a result of this anger or because of it. There is room for communication and agreements and perhaps your relationship still has a solution.

Remember that as long as there is love, everything can be fixed. All relationships are different, it depends on each couple and each person. In any case, after the conversation, a decision will be made. But whatever the decision is after you both talk, if there is still love, you will feel calmer, because you will have exhausted everything in order to save your marriage, and you will no longer have remorse in the future regarding the breakup of your marriage if he or she continues with their decision.

In the event that the decision to divorce was taken by the both of you, it is necessary that both of you analyze each other well, in all aspects, and see if you’re extremely sure that your life together is already untenable and that your differences are irreconcilable and if you both would feel better just being apart.

But it’s necessary that you make this decision thinking about yourselves and in the good of your children. Don’t get confused with this, I don’t mean that if you are concerned about your children, you shouldn’t get divorced, even though you want to do it, just for the fact that you don’t want to hurt your children, because it’s not like that. Remember that for children, although it is true that it makes them happy to see their parents together, it is also true that it makes them unhappy to see their parents fighting all the time. Because you are confused and don’t want your children to suffer the divorce, don’t put up with your spouse just for them, in a relationship that no longer makes you happy, and give them a life of constant disputes. Disputes that if they are continuous and violent can even cause them trauma for living in a home where there is yelling and disrespect, in addition to your constant bad mood or that of your partner’s because of so many problems.

Whereby even paying attention to the constant disputes, you may perhaps neglect them a little, because maybe from what you’re going through, you may not have the dedication and patience that is required and that you commonly have when taking care of your children. So, analyze it very well so that your decision is based on the good of your family, but remember that you matter first of all and by you being happy, you will be able to transmit that happiness to your children, who will eventually grow up one day and understand.

So, make your decision as coherent as possible and put anger and resentments aside. Make a decision based on reasoning and not on impulses due to the circumstances you are going through and although, you don’t like circumstances that most marriages live with, there are no perfect marriages where there are no problems. In all marriages there are issues it’s just a matter of knowing how to face and overcome them.

There are very tough situations such as infidelity or physical violence, in my opinion, unforgivable, but even in these situations there are marriages that manage to overcome it. If they were not to repeat themselves in their relationship obviously, but that is each person’s decision, and it depends on each couple. But if in your marriage these two hard and serious situations don’t occur, then think about it very well and don’t act on impulse because of your lack of maturity. And when you have a new marriage, realize that in this one you will also have problems, and make yourself aware of your mistakes.

If the decision is only yours and he or she had to accept it, here the responsibility falls more on you, because you will be the one who makes the decision, and if that’s so, you must be very sure, because you will have all the responsibility of ending your relationship. Don’t get confused. It Is one thing, that when you ask for a divorce, you are responsible for ending the marriage, because you are asking for it. It is another very different thing when I say that you are the one guilty of causing the divorce, because the motive is very different when you were forced to ask for the divorce. Maybe the motive is very serious and unforgivable, so don’t get confused. Although in some cases it is both reasons, the person asking for the divorce is also guilty of breaking up the marriage since it was he or she who failed in the marriage, but that is each person’s own business and their own analysis, in being sure of their decision.

To make a decision in regard to divorce take your time don’t pressure yourself, because if you make decisions lightly or in circumstances in which you are confused, there is a 90 percent chance that you’ll regret the decision made. When the confusing situation is over, that you are going through and that led you to make that decision, it will be disastrous for you, because you may have a bitter awakening.

So, calmly analyze your decision since it is recommended that when you have a major change in your life you shouldn’t make a decision within five or six months of this event, but instead make it after the six months. There are less chances of making a mistake according to experts. If you don’t feel capable on your own, talk with someone who’s mature and trustworthy or with your therapist to help you make an accurate decision, but remember, it is only to help you clarify your thoughts because the decision is yours and